Welcome one and all to the official eBaums World horoscope.  We have read the stars and come to you bearing this sacred knowledge that is 100% not at all bullshit cockamamy garbage. For the uncultured swine among us, you can check above to see what your Zodiac sign is. 

Aries: (March 21 - April 19)

This weekend is a great time for reflection. So take a walk to the lake, bring a hand-held mirror and just stare at your ugly face until you either throw up or fall in love. 

Taurus: (April 20 - May 20)

You will feel a great surge of strength this weekend. Planet Nibiru will soon be in line with Earth and your powers of enchantment will grow 100 fold. But be warned, your new powers will fade just like your youth. 

Gemini: (May 21 - June 20)

 In the words of the great Wayne Gretzky, " you miss 100% of the shots you miss", and that's because you suck at hockey. So guess what, don't play hockey, it's that simple, just don't do it, don't. 

Cancer: (June 21 - July 22)

Take time to enjoy the little things in life. Like how little your wife loves you. Or how the little bit of self-confidence you have left in disappears whenever you chat a glimpse of yourself in a mirror.  

Leo: (July 23 - August 22) 

There is no shame in admitting defeat. However, there is plenty of shame in wearing those finger shoes you bought because you thought running on the beach was a real workout. Your beer gut doesn't fool us, Craig, we know you hyperventilate after walking up a flight of stairs.

Virgo: (Agust 23 - September 22) 

Now more than ever before is the right time to make a change. So if you've been thinking of starting a new life, go ahead and snip that thing right off. 

Libra: ( September 23 - October 22)

Pick up that old book your friends gave you that you've never read and throw that shit in the trash. Because come one, do you really care about what some dumbass thinks you should be doing with your life? Didn't think so. 

Scorpio: October 23 - November 21) 

Hsssss, hssss, hssss. Although it may be tempting to shed your skin and show your friends and family who you truly are, the world is not yet ready to see you for who you really are. 

Sagittarius: (November 22 - December 21)

Your luck will soon run out, so hurry to your local gas station and cash in quick before it's too late. Your lucky numbers are 3, 4, 20, 6 and 9. Hurry now because this is a limited time over. 

Capricorn: December 22 - January 19)

It's time to throw away your old gym shoes and buy yourself a new pair of sandals. Spring is here and the best way to treat your athlete's foot is by keeping your feet dry and in the open air. 

Aquarius: (January 20 - February 18) 

Flint Michigan still doesn't have clean water. If you are upset with this fact do your part and call your representatives in Washington DC and let them know that this is unacceptable. Oh and stop eating so much sugar. 

Pisces: (February 19 - March 20)

You can't claim to be the master of your domicile when your mother still does your laundry. Seriously, it's not that hard, just throw your cummy socks in the washer, add some detergent, and press the button that says normal wash. Unless of course, you want your socks to turn in finger puppets, then just fucking guess man, idn.